Yes, it is. Many are not aware of this, as October is mostly known as Pink or Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Though BCA is very important, Domestic Violence is important as well and I think should receive some spotlight. Why?
Here are some facts on DMV that you may or may not know:
– One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.1
– An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.2
– 85% of domestic violence victims are women.3
– Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.4
– Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.5
– Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.6
Source: http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf
There are 40,000 deaths due to breast cancer. 1,300 deaths are caused each year as a result of domestic violence but 2 million injuries are reported and related to domestic violence. That 2 million is probably higher because for a fact, people do not always report the abuser.
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Why do I take particular in Domestic Violence Awareness Month?
Because I too was a victim of DV. Not from my current and only husband in our home, but from a boyfriend from many years ago. We did not live together but I had an on-again-off-again relationship with him from 1997 to 2004 (7 years!) I was a statistic of DV: I was 1 in 4. He was physically abusive and intimate all in one. I was one of the 85% of women. It spanned throughout the years of 20-24 (the highest age group at risk for DV). And I only called the police 1 time in the dozens of times abuse occurred. I called only because I felt that other members of my family woud get hurt, otherwise, no one would have ever known EVER that he has this side. Even after that call to the police and against my family’s wishes, we got back together. But it was soon after that, that I finally got my chance to break free.
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Probably, the most common question from those not in the position of being abused to victims of abuse is this, “Why don’t you just leave?”
There are a million reasons why victims don’t just get up and leave. In my own questioning to those currently in it, I find that many cite reasons are tied to financial reasons and not wanting their kids without being a dad, along with a skewed sense of reality, most likely due to the emotional instability brought on by the effects of abuse.
During my abuse, I was not financially dependent and had no kids with thus guy. Heck, I paid for everything. I was always working. It was all emotional for me. Let me share with you what I believed about him and about why I was being abused. Thus mentality was the mindset and why I did not leave:
1. I felt that it was my fault that he was upset and why he was still hitting me. I must have pushed him to his limit. Next time, when I am a better girlfriend, he won’t hit me like the way he did today.
2. I felt that I could fix him. If I only love him more for who he is and help him be the better person he says he wants to be, the abuse will stop.
3. I felt that no one is going to love me the way he does. Yes, he hits me but he doesn’t mean it. I know this must be the case because when he is loving, I (and all my friends) can see how amazing of a boyfriend he is to me.
4. I felt that the good parts of him outweighed the bad. He was responsible, he had a bright financial future, and he had a clear path going for him that would be the envy of other women seeking stability in their future.
5. I felt that he would change. But the reality was, the only one who was changing was me. I was always trying to be the better person, the better girlfriend, the better fixer and accommodating to all of his needs. I changed from an outgoing, happy one with many friends and of many interests, to an individual that was fully forsaking all others and into this person by fear and eventually by forced submission.
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I have been asked if I saw the abuse coming. At the time and at age 16, no. Looking back, absolutely! For example, he was very upset the know that I had friends that were guys. I grew up in church with lots of the kids and we were together all the time. Gender was never even noticed or an issue. Pure innocent platonic, non sexual guy friends was how I was with guy friends. I fought against his wishes and continued friendships I had prior to him in my life. I hid my guy friends. When he later found out or I admitted I was still in contact with a friend that just happened to be a guy, I would get beat. I fiinally questioned why I could not have other guy friends and later I accepted that I should not. He told me early in our relationship that his mom does not have any guy friends. It was not normal for a female in a committed relationship (I suppose that was what we were) to have friendships with other guys. I did not know until our very last days, 7 years later, that his dad hit his mom too and was about to leave him. I wondered if that was his dad’s rule too. And I wonder if I too would have the strength to leave my abuser completely like she was going to.
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How it finally ended.
I was one of the “lucky” ones (not saying that I was lucky to be in a bad place for 7 years), as I did not end up dead like so many who suffer death from domestic violence. I am thankful for a couple things that kept me alive: 1. The military and 2. His new girlfriend.
I say the military helped save my life because he knew that if I called his officer, that would be it for him. There would be his future and career down hill. He stopped the physical abuse and lessened the verbal after returning from bootcamp. Remember the time I called the police? I did not press charges because he was now in the military, despite the fact that the abuse took its peak after he came back from bootcamp. He was upset that I had met someone to replace him while he was at bootcamp and was about to take it out on me and my family. But what he thought was not true. He assumed this was so because I said no to marriage over the phone while he was at Great Lakes.
He had written to me earlier asking to marry me. That woke me up a bit to reality. The question, I had waited for and worked to “earn” had finally arrived. I thought that when he finally asks me this, I was finally good enough to be his wife. Now that it was here, I didn’t want to marry this guy and this life I foresee. All this time, I was so inlove with the thought of “being in love” that I was blind to reality. The marriage proposal in the letter and over the phone was the initial start back to real and healthy life without abuse, a snap back to reality.
He moved on quickly after I said no. He insists that nothing had happened with her until after I said no to marriage. Nonetheless, she was reason #2. She was someone from the military, someone he had met at bootcamp. Early in bootcamp days, he mentioned her name and said not to worry as she was one of the guys. It wasn’t like that. I didn’t worry then and even during this one night together in our hometown, months after bootcamp ended and decided to remain as friends after I said no to marriage, he admitted to me that he was sleeping with her. My heart fell. I lost all ability to breath.
Yes, I still loved this guy, I just could not marry him and up to this point, I was still not ready to fully let go. And yes, I was hurt. As hurt as I was, we both knew that was the last straw for me. When he admitted he was sleeping with someone her, my logical side of me fully awakened, never to return to the dark side. It was finally time to let go. Before I spiraled down and thought so little of myself, 7 years prior, I told him that if he ever slept with someone else, I would leave and there was nothing he could do to stop me. Nothing. That night, I went home, I cried my last cry and that chapter of my life was over by the next morning. I was now wide awake.
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Life moved on. I met an amazing man, got married and today we have an amazing loving family where our mantra is “No hitting; Hands are for loving.” I’ve never come across my ex since that night I saw him. I hope to never come across him again. Life has been so good since – so perfect (too perfect), since he fell off the face of my life.
Since that night, did I still think that I was at fault for him abusing me? For a short time I did until that came to a close too. Fate gave me the closure. A friend of ours from church brought a buddy with him to help us move from one apartment to another. Turns out, this guy was stationed on the same ship and work with my ex and some of my high school friends. I didn’t say much about my ex, one way or another, only that I knew a (lastname) on the ship and a few others. Even then, I did not want my ex to get in trouble with the military. Though, I must have said something that I alluded that I was glad he was gone (but never mentioned the abuse I had been through).
I learned that day that I was not the cause of all the abuse I had suffered. Why? Because he was abusing her – the girl he had told me about. I knew then that there was just no way that we were both very bad girlfriends that deserved to be hurt. And guess, what? They were getting married. This guy just received the invitation. Who was I to judge that he was moving too quick into marriage after 7 years with me before he popped the question to me. Here I was, happily married with a baby. I later found out through a newspaper that they got married where he told me we would get married – a really gorgeous and expensive place in San Diego. It was where he told me we would get married one day, that day he beat me for the very first time and said he was so sorry and would never do it again. He did live out that plan of getting married there. The only difference is that it was not with me. She was the one marrying him and she is the one taking the beatings now. I do hope she is ok.
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So why did I just pour all this out on here. Ugh, it’s so heavy, right?! No wonder no one wants to talk about this stuff! But here are my reasons:
1. Domestic Violence Awareness Month. No better time to talk about it than now.
2. My story may help someone out there. At the very least, learn the psyche of the abused if you are a friend of someone who is. At most, the abused can find the strength to know they are not the cause and can find pockets of hope to let go.
3. To give you a face to Domestic Violence. Most victims, past and present, don’t talk about their abuse. But just because it is not talked about, does not mean it does not occur. 1 in 4, remember? When I eventually opened up to a trusted few, they always said , “I would never have thought…” That’s ok. Why would or should anyone think or assume that I was a victim of domestic violence? And from that, I learned that you never really know who is and who isn’t a victim. In all those years, not one came out and asked me if he was hitting me. I either hid it so well or they thought it was none of their business.
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What can you do if you suspect abuse? Is it none of your business? It is everyone’s business. No one should be abused and the abused will always be in need of some help. With any help that you do give, I do recommend a heap of patience to go along with it. To you, it is so easy and obvious to get out. True or not, know that the one with the ultimate say to stay or leave is the one being abused. All we can do is be that pocket of hope at her lowest times and may she gain enough air to get out of it. And once they are ready to get out and have gotten out, you be the anchor the keeps them from drifting back to their abuse. Through us, let them see that the uncertainties of their new world will always be better than the familiarity and occasional comfort received from their abuser. Learn more how you can help this month and beyond, during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, by visiting http://www.ncadv.org/
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Walking the talk of helping DV victims. I have 2 friends that have been a DV victim from husbands. With both, I have been speaking to them about how to get out of the situation. One just left and is in hiding for safety and the other awaits her opportunity to file legal separation. Did you know that some states make you wait several months before you can file for divorce, regardless of the reason and despite DV?
In addition to moral support to friends, I am also doing a fundraiser drive as my way of supporting those who help the abused, I will be donating 100% of my sales commissions on all Origami Owl orders placed through Jewelry Bar ID StopDomesticViolence479469. The funds accrued will be donated to Becky’s House, a domestic violence program in San Diego that help women and children escape domestic violence. Becky’s House offers a safe haven for victims to improve their economic status, achieve self-sufficiency and ultimately transform their lives. The program encompasses a 24-hour domestic violence hotline, an emergency shelter and four transitional housing communities along with supportive services including counseling, legal, financial, housing, and employment resources.
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If you have gotten this far of this blog post despite the lack of pictures and visual appeal, thank you as this is so important.
If you are being abused, I urge you to seek help, find your pockets of hope, and that anchor that will keep you at bay – away from fear and abuse.
If you are an abuser, seek help. There is hope for you too. You probably were very hurt or a victim of abuse yourself. You too can stop hurting and taking it out on the one that loves you most.
If you are a friend suspecting something is not right, find a way to help, but above all else, be patient.
If you would like to make a purchase with proceeds going to Becky’s House, please use this link Jewelry Bar ID StopDomesticViolence479469. Thank you <3
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Recent stories of Domestic Violence + San Diego;
Domestic Violence Victims Remembered – SD Union Tribune Oct 1, 2014
Domestic Violence – Tied to 1 in 5 Homicides – NBC 7 San Diego Oct 2, 2014
Domestic Violence Sparked 20% Of San Diego County Homicides In 2013 – KPBS October 3, 2014
Seeking help?
San Diego: http://www.sddvc.org/
Wherever you are: http://www.thehotline.org/